Our 911

September 11th... 3.45 pm.
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Thursday, September 10, 2009 at 5:58pm Edit Note Delete
Two years ago tomorrow, I lost my beautiful sister to cancer,Her death shared the same date as one of the greatest tragedies in modern times, we call it the 11th of September, the Americans know it as '9/11'You want the truth?I'd rather see a thousand towers fall rather than watch one of my sisters waste away again from cancer, I'd happily see 10,000 people throw themselves to a certain death rather than lose another one of mine the way she went.Our Brenda simply put...was the best of us.By her own admission, her early years were tremendously difficult, trapped into looking after 3 younger brothers and a kid sister, Brenda became our second Mom, she became someone I could confide in, seek advice from...and I always knew, she was there for me.She trusted easily and forgave readily, She met and married a man who was the love of her life, the fact she proved not to be the love of his, is another story, one that will never be told in any open forum.Brenda had three children, our lovely Rachel, a girl I have loved from the day she was born.Suzi came along a short while later, but Suzie's time was brief, It appears 'God' needed another little angel in his Heaven and unfortunately for us..he chose her.After Suzie's passing, Brenda was blessed with Micheal, a son who would make not only his parents proud, but everyone of us too.I suffer with occasional depression, mainly I keep it under control, to do so, I have certain little tricks and blocks I use to stop it completely overwhelming me..This anniversary of Brendas death has tested these blocks to the limit.It took me almost a year to lay her to rest, I used to visit her grave several times a week, to tell her I love her and I miss her dreadfully..But hey Bren, you already know that....you also know I still do.I'm not a religious man and if there is a heaven, count me out will you? I'm lots of things to lots of people, but there's not a living person who can level a charge of hypocrisy against me..besides, if there is a God and he is omnipotent, he also knows if he does meet me, I'm going to punch the bastard as hard as I can..and for good measure, kick shit out of his son too.Brenda's end was terrible, I wrote a long time ago that the family shared her last days on earth, she used to ask me after any treatment if I had good vibes about her future, I used to say 'Yes, it's fine, they've got it, they've got it all'...I looked her in the eye and lied to her face..I will never forgive myself. I think back to a few days before her death, bed sores leaving her in so much discomfort it was a living thing.I remember walking her up and down the wards, truth is, I practically carried her...And I remember holding her up to the window at 3 in the morning and telling her the names of every star we could see, and all the time, knowing that she would soon be the brightest star in all of heaven.I was priviledged to share your days our Bren, you helped us get through a life of living hell and the deepest despair..And right now I need to believe you are somewhere happy and warm, and once moreholding the hand of a little girl taken away for you for so, so long.Bren, I'll pay you the highest compliment now that I possibly can.'I love you Brenda, I love you as much as I know you loved me' The following is your epitaph Bren, it's the best I can do...sorry.Page 56. (my life in pages)She is most of the pages of my life..Page 5, she took me to School,Pages 6 to 9 she was always there for me,All I had to do was ask..Around page 11, she got married,I missed her almost every single day.And if..on page 16,There were parallel universes,She would see her baby grow to be a woman.On page 25 she gave me a big kiss and a hug.And told me she loved me.And watched as I walked down the Aisle.On page 30 she held my little baby in her armsThen on page 31 she held my second.Then we had the quiet pages as we built our lives, Occasionally touching like spinning tops across a polished wooden floor.Those were pages 33 to 39Page 43 saw the first of her Grandchildren born..How she loves them, how much joy the following chapter brought.Page 53 saw her grow ill..Page 55 left us no hope..She never saw page 56 become wet with tears.Footprints,Your footprints marked your passing,on the grass...you walked so beautifully,like a child heading towards the lightCradled in stars to come,Fed words, warm soup and milk,My God, gold for a heart.And a treasury of yearsTo finger like a doll's hair..The grass never ignored youby erasing your steps,It only rose up behind youto praise your beautiful life.and when this is all done,And the final words all said..Walk strongly into that light..And give a little girl a hug..And tell her..That one's off your brother Les.How can I even begin to tell anyone how I feel? she was not only mysister, but someone who was also my second mother, my friend, my confidente and my constant supporter, so the truth is, I can't.I'm in a very dark place right now, I'm struggling to come to terms withthe knowledge we've lost the best of us, someone who was always there, who always had a reassuring word, who was always a shoulder to lean on, someone who always had a smile and always a hug whenever we saw each other.My only consolation is, I had two weeks to tell her how much I loved her and to hear how much she loved me.The words we shared, I will carry all of my days.The family covered every hour of every day, my sister wasn't going to lie in a soiled bed waiting for help off overworked underpaid staff..You have two choices in life, you either tell your family you love them or show them..the Robinsons show theirs.So we all covered seperate nights, mornings or afternoons..The Friday night before she died was the worst of my life, my Sister was in tremendous discomfort and I was easing her out of bed, supporting her as she stood, trying to ease the pain of bed sores, out of bed for ten minutes, in for 15.. I passed part of the early hours just holding her up from behind watching the stars.Throughout the night....I walked her up and down the Ward, each yard taking an age , anything to help her take away her pain...what did we do that for Bren.. 6 hours? 7?The Nurses were good, so many thanks to so many people, but like allGovernment places, they were undermanned and overworked..Too few staff with too many poorly patients.My sister had a terrible end.They withdrew all nutrients 10 days before, all fluid 8 days later.Of course, they didn't need to do that, the tube down her nose emptied her tummy of any water that passed her lips.,She had too much dignity to even share the worst things with those who never knew her.I just hope the Morphine and sedatives kept her from feeling the worst.There was 9 of us in the hospital as she passed away,And my mind keeps going back to just 6 weeks before she died as we gathered at a family party, My sister dancing to Cliff Richard then telling us all to be quiet as her favourite song came on..quiet of course meant us, not her, as she belted out the lyrics..Brenda...you might know how much I loved you...but you will never know how much I miss you.You were the light of my life.And you were right you know...in the words of your favourite song..Those 'Miss you nights'Are the longest....xxxxxxx